This New Side of 30.

Turning 30 scared the hell out of me as soon as I celebrated 29. Cheers! Here’s to one more year of youthfulness before I’m an old broad.

“30s are the best. They were my favorite. You’ll see,” said friends.

I nodded, but I didn’t think they understood or faced the same issue. I held no qualms about not being married or not having children by a certain age. I know it’s not really “old.” However, their words were interrupted by numerous recollections of ex-boyfriends’ (yes, plural) jokes about trading me in for a younger model. Or comments on how women age like milk and men like wine. Or being told, you’re so pretty, after asking a sincere question.

Combine the repetitive remarks in those relationships with societal pressures, and I believed it to be true. However, as my new decade loomed closer, I forced myself to delve deeper into my issue instead of letting a needle dive into my forehead.

I realized I placed the highest value on my beauty and physical appearance — a fading commodity. I knew how to work it, and honestly, I feared not having my tool anymore. Granted, it was only one thing in my tool belt, but I allowed it to take up the most space. Like a chameleon, I knew how to conform to other’s desires across many realms. Would I still be loved if I didn’t have it? 

Oh, the irony… Because the one thing I hated being loved for was the one thing I relied upon most! I’ve always longed to be appreciated beyond the physical, to be appreciated for depth, to be seen and loved for who I am.  But, if I didn’t have the confidence to be that person, how the hell was anyone supposed to love me for anything else?

I don’t think I realized exactly how much personal value I placed on it until I examined it closer. I definitely didn’t want to admit it, but simply naming the fear helped dissolve it. I didn’t have to give it power over me. I realized my self worth needed serious attention. I realized the tool doubled as a defense mechanism because I’d need to be vulnerable to allow people to see the real me.

This new decade ushered in a new confidence. There’s still work to be done, but I believe in myself and am less concerned with the thoughts of others. I’m done people pleasing and conforming to who others want me to be. 

Turning thirty ushered in this new, letting me be me thing.

And that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing.