What can I learn from this?

…or is it too soon to ask that question?

Is it an evolution of my growth, that I can connect with that question so soon and seek the positive perspective? Or am I not wanting to feel all of the pain in this experience? I guess one of the beautiful things in experiencing such highs and lows is realizing that I’m feeling.

Oh, and I’m feeling! I’m awake, Universe. Having numbed out for so long, she’s decided to give me all the things and all at once. Or rather, I’ve decided by choosing not to numb… most of the time. Up, down, up, down. Maybe that’s the rhythm of shaking out old patterns.

Buzzing from a gong bath and surrounded by my yogi family at dinner last night, I looked down at my phone and opened a message a friend I hadn’t heard from in awhile. I froze as my eyes read…

Kristin took her own life. 

I had to get out of there. At teacher training, I reconnected with the fact that it’s okay to seek help and comfort from others. Yet, last night, I defaulted to running away and working it out on my own. I darted the hell out of there, drove home, and listened to the cicadas. I scrolled through albums on my phone and laid inert on the couch.

Today, I needed motion. I walked. I cooked. I cleaned. I talked to friends. I conference called. I tried to call other friends. Until finally…. I needed stillness. And then I needed writing.

In the last 24 hours, I’ve watched an ample amount of videos and smiled at photos of my friend. I’ve reminisced about all of the shit that came out of her mouth. The humor, the lessons, the stories. And maybe it hasn’t fully hit me yet, but the grieving process feels different this time. And honestly, it’s hard to not judge myself for not feeling “sad enough.” But, instead of adjusting my feelings to what I think they should be, I’m just going to let them be.

It pains me that she felt that way was her resolution. But, it’s also hard for me to admit that if she was in such pain and couldn’t shift her paradigm… how can I hate that she isn’t suffering anymore?

I know what I feel to be true about energy and death. I know that I miss her physical form and her expression. But, instead of thinking about what’s missing from me, I find myself thinking what will be missed by the collective now that she’s no longer here in physical form?

And it’s that she was one of those people who was so unapologetically themselves that it allowed myself and others the “safety” to be that way too. It makes me realize how I need to be more of that to help liberate others. So, that’s what I’m gonna do.