“The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds. Our childlike self is the deepest level of our being. It is who we really are, and what is real doesn’t go away.” – Marianne Williamson

There’s not a lot in life that scares me. But, while I gazed up at the steep slopes in Kuhtai over the Christmas holiday, fear shimmied down my spine. Air caught and swirled around in my chest without finding its escape.

I stared at the ceiling as the wind howled and banged the shutters into the side of the house. “Kristin, what the hell are you thinking? You’ve never skied before and you’re going to try it in the Alps?” said Fear.

I rolled over, but those whispers and my knowledge of basic physics urged me to sit comfortably by the lodge’s fireplace, to drink wine and drown any winter sport desires. I began formulating excuses. A cough tickled my throat as I readied myself to feign an illness.

I looked on my nightstand and saw the pendant my grandmother gave me. A photo of my childlike self. I remembered her. She was fearless. Why was I allowing myself to be halted?

The next morning, I signed up for ski school. I pizza’d and snow plow’d with my fellow pupils – the five years olds. Their posh European parents looked on and I tried to hide the fact that I felt like a country bumpkin.

So, I went back for a private lesson the next day. With a hug and a wink, the instructor ended the lesson and said, “Kristin, I’m proud of you! You didn’t even fall. You’ll have to learn how to get up from the ground eventually.”

“I’m proud of myself too!” I said as I returned her embrace.

And I was. It felt like I was awarded a gold star on my homework. I loved it! I’m learning to not hate on myself for feeling good. It’s almost as if I give more credence to my sorrowful feelings than those of joy.

I realize I need to nurture my inner child more. To stay curious & keep growing. To trust myself and face fears. I want to continue to allow myself to be guided by fear, but not allow it to discourage me.